Landmark Mandarin - Oriental Spa - Aromatherapy Massage ★★☆☆☆

The Spur: I had to take a written exam in February for my grad school application and had been studying like mad for about three months. And I think I broke my own record for stress level, since this was accompanied by one of the worst times I've had at work. When the exam day came, I sat the 2.5-hour test, hopped on a minibus, and mentally and physically collapsed into the arms of the Oriental Spa. Coincidentally, the previously mentioned sexy-smart asshole I'd been seeing was to arrive home that night after a week-long vacation overseas. At this time, delusional, I couldn't think of anything better than killing three hours at the spa before welcoming him home smelling of cedar wood. Ah, the days of optimism.

The Sticker: I chose the 60-minute aromatherapy massage ($900 on weekends, $850 on weekdays, +10% service charge, 20% discount with HSBC card as far as I know), which is a basic full-body oil massage.

The Service: I had been to the Oriental Spa a couple of times. While I love this hotel for its location and boutique-style design, the service tends to be spotty. This time, I just walked-in around 7PM for a 60-minute treatment, and the receptionist seemed really agitated by it. She checked the computer, brow furrowed, and told me she could fit me in. Then I felt rushed to flip through the spa menu to decide on a massage as she watched with bated breath. I walked up the stairs to the spa level and sat down on the benches where they take your shoes hostage. Literally. They take your shoes and give you slippers before you can enter the spa. They call this a foot ritual, which is a load of crap. It's not so you can leave the outside world away or feel like you've entered an Asian home, as they say. It's so you can't spa and dash. They gave me what must be size large plastic slippers for my size 6 feet and apologized that they were out of smaller ones. Then I had to wait around for quite a while, maybe 5-10 minutes, before being escorted into the spa. This wait SUCKS - and this seems to occur every single time I come here. It's not like I came to the spa to read the International Herald Tribune in my purse. Spa and current affairs don't mix. More on the service below. ★☆☆☆☆

The Atmo: OMG I'm never going to this spa on a Saturday evening again. There were around 10 people in the changing area, some talking really loudly. They weren't exactly "in the zone" - more like the steam had been spiked? But overall, despite the crowd this spa does have a calming, modern Asian vibe and ample space to fit all of us. ★★★☆☆

The Goods: I didn't have much time before the treatment started, so I headed straight to the steam room after undressing. Truth be told, the Oriental Spa has some of the nicest hydrotherapy facilities in Hong Kong. The steam room is shaped all round and cave-like with iridescent tiling and, notably, a huge amethyst crystal that's supposed to be healing. The experience showers are a riot, emitting scents and colors which are TOTALLY POINTLESS but nevertheless fascinating. The lounge chairs are warmed to human body temperature. There's a pool with chairs in them that let you lie down while massaging jets shoot at your back. The resting room is wonderfully large, dark and usually empty, and stocks fruit, nuts and mint tea. And something must be said about the amenities: free individually packaged Schick razors and shaving cream are much appreciated. ★★★★★

Treat Me! Anyway, I promise you it was still a few minutes before the treatment time, but as I was exiting the steam room, the therapist found me, with an air of franticness, and ushered me into the treatment room. I mean actual speed walking. Then speed disrobing. Ugh. It was a sign of what was to come. I've had a great aromatherapy massage here, but this time it sucked. You know how the therapist is supposed to be reeeally quiet, and every transition of movement and placement is supposed to have a kind of gradualness to it? Hands are to be on the body at all times so as to be less alarming for the customer when they move to a different spot. This wasn't how it was at all. Her hands were just haphazardly flopping here and there while she moved. She was making a lot of noise walking around, clearing her throat, pumping the oil from a bottle. Seriously, it was the opposite of peaceful. The massage itself was terrible. It felt amateurish. Every time she finished a section, the last few presses felt kind of rushed like she was getting it over with. It ended with the Mandarin Oriental signature bell ring (which felt totally pointless in this case), where they chime this bell that kind of reverberates like crazy and is oddly soothing. ★☆☆☆☆

By the time I left, around 10PM, after lounging here and there, drinking all their tea, eating an apple and playing with the scented showers, the spa was much emptied out. I should have complained about the treatment but felt like there weren't really obvious things to articulate, so I let it pass. I'm just going to check that I don't get this therapist next time. I must say that I've had much better experiences here, but on weekdays. I still highly recommend this spa during off-peak times.

The Mira - MiraSpa - Elemental Harmony Facial ★★★★☆

The Spur: I'd been seeing this sexy, smart asshole. OK sort of not really maybe. You know those situations where you really like to talk about books and watch movies together naked, but don't call yourself boyfriend-girlfriend, and never speak of exclusivity, and are jealous to imagine the other person might be dating someone else, but never say it out loud, and just swallow the reality of your insecure relationship? Yeah. You know how a sexy smart cocky older man might be throwing attention and affection at you, then suddenly takes it all away? Like saying the darn sweetest things for a month, then doesn't call/text/email for two weeks straight? Then sweet talks you back into his apartment? And radio silence for another two weeks? Then kicks you out of his apartment at 2AM last night and wouldn't tell you why? Yeah.

The Sticker: I had previously visited this slightly out-of-the-way spa because they were doing a really good promotion: get a 90 massage, get a body scrub free - OR - get a facial and get a 30-minute shoulder-head-neck massage free. I chose the 75-minute Elemental Harmony facial ($820), which, if you do the promo math, is quite a steal as far as hotel spa treatments are concerned, at $820 for 105 minutes (no 10% service charge here). I'm a sucka for bargains, and this was definitely the best spa bargain in town for the spa's grand opening. The facial calls itself "tailor made," and the brochure says it includes aromatic hot compresses, peels, head/shoulder massage and foot massage. Without the promotion, the price is on par with other fancy hotel spas.

The Service: The funny thing is, the promo excludes weekends, but when I booked it for a Saturday, the receptionist let me use the promo (add 30-minute massage for free). The second time I booked, also for a Saturday, the same receptionist said no to promo on Saturdays. Oh well, she probably messed up the first time. (By the way the promo ends March 31, so still a few more days.) But I must say, everyone here is amazingly friendly, zen and knowledgeable. ★★★★☆

The Atmo: The first time I stepped in, it was a Saturday late afternoon in late February, and the changing and hydrotherapy areas were completely empty, but I did see a few people trickle in later. The soft opening was November 2009, I believe, and I wasn't surprised about the lack of business. And frankly most people don't think of bustling, skeevy TST (sorry) as the place to get a high-end hotel spa treatment. But then when I went in again in late March, in the afternoon, it was still completely empty, which is REALLY NICE. I was loving the quiet (while the hotel probably doesn't much appreciate it). But when I was leaving, there were quite a few people in there, including a party of girls who were there for manicures and frolicking in the pool with digital cameras (er?). But overall, I love that this spa has a slightly hidden-secret quality about it. It's even on the B3 floor, three floors below ground. Feels a little Bruce Wayne/Men in Black/Resident Evil... in secretness only though, not at all in creepiness. ★★★★☆

The Goods: The best thing about newish hotels is everything is modern and beautiful in design, and this spa is no different. While it's not as "grand" as, say, the Four Seasons spa, MiraSpa really has all one really needs. It's got the steam room, sauna, a jacuzzi-type pool, pristine toilets, showers with weird functions, rolled-up towels everywhere, and - the most memorable thing - water beds in the waiting/resting area. The rest of the well-being facilities look great from what I could see. The reception area has plush couches, an actual food and beverage bar with servers (the ginger-honey tea is yums), a gorgeous indoor pool, and a nail bar which is detached from the spa. But the main difference between MiraSpa's facilities and other big-name hotels' is size. Everything is just a bit smaller in scale, such as only having three beds in the waiting room, quite a small sauna, even the changing area is rather cramped. Also, you don't have the mysterious labyrinthine quality. I personally love anything modern and don't like things too stodgy/stuffy or over-the-top, so this works for me. ★★★★☆

Treat Me! The facial = love. It starts with a foot bubble bath, then on to the treatment. When you first register at reception, you get to choose from an absurd number of serene music selections (I really don't remember what they are, but something like Asian music, classical, chimes, etc.) which is bound to lead to indecision stress, which is no good for relaxation, so I just went with the one called "typical spa music" I think LOL. The lovely therapist (Joanna) cleansed the skin first, then assessed it under a light to determine what kind of facial I need. She then went through the procedure and types of products she was going to use, which all seemed like sound judgment. The warm compresses on the face and shoulders stood out as something slightly different from most facials. The extractions (cleaning the pores per squeezing) were completely painless, which always makes me question effectiveness. The peel was tingly. The massage was very professional, none of this half-assed-ness that one sometimes finds during facials. A massage is a massage, even during a facial! There was special focus on lymphatic drainage, and an unusual thing was she also massaged the ears. I didn't notice any visible difference to my skin afterwards, but I accept that this isn't really an immediate results-type thing. She does try to lightly sell products and treatments, but it's easy to Just Say No (Thanks) kids! ★★★★☆