Landmark Mandarin - Oriental Spa - Aromatherapy Massage ★★☆☆☆

The Spur: I had to take a written exam in February for my grad school application and had been studying like mad for about three months. And I think I broke my own record for stress level, since this was accompanied by one of the worst times I've had at work. When the exam day came, I sat the 2.5-hour test, hopped on a minibus, and mentally and physically collapsed into the arms of the Oriental Spa. Coincidentally, the previously mentioned sexy-smart asshole I'd been seeing was to arrive home that night after a week-long vacation overseas. At this time, delusional, I couldn't think of anything better than killing three hours at the spa before welcoming him home smelling of cedar wood. Ah, the days of optimism.

The Sticker: I chose the 60-minute aromatherapy massage ($900 on weekends, $850 on weekdays, +10% service charge, 20% discount with HSBC card as far as I know), which is a basic full-body oil massage.

The Service: I had been to the Oriental Spa a couple of times. While I love this hotel for its location and boutique-style design, the service tends to be spotty. This time, I just walked-in around 7PM for a 60-minute treatment, and the receptionist seemed really agitated by it. She checked the computer, brow furrowed, and told me she could fit me in. Then I felt rushed to flip through the spa menu to decide on a massage as she watched with bated breath. I walked up the stairs to the spa level and sat down on the benches where they take your shoes hostage. Literally. They take your shoes and give you slippers before you can enter the spa. They call this a foot ritual, which is a load of crap. It's not so you can leave the outside world away or feel like you've entered an Asian home, as they say. It's so you can't spa and dash. They gave me what must be size large plastic slippers for my size 6 feet and apologized that they were out of smaller ones. Then I had to wait around for quite a while, maybe 5-10 minutes, before being escorted into the spa. This wait SUCKS - and this seems to occur every single time I come here. It's not like I came to the spa to read the International Herald Tribune in my purse. Spa and current affairs don't mix. More on the service below. ★☆☆☆☆

The Atmo: OMG I'm never going to this spa on a Saturday evening again. There were around 10 people in the changing area, some talking really loudly. They weren't exactly "in the zone" - more like the steam had been spiked? But overall, despite the crowd this spa does have a calming, modern Asian vibe and ample space to fit all of us. ★★★☆☆

The Goods: I didn't have much time before the treatment started, so I headed straight to the steam room after undressing. Truth be told, the Oriental Spa has some of the nicest hydrotherapy facilities in Hong Kong. The steam room is shaped all round and cave-like with iridescent tiling and, notably, a huge amethyst crystal that's supposed to be healing. The experience showers are a riot, emitting scents and colors which are TOTALLY POINTLESS but nevertheless fascinating. The lounge chairs are warmed to human body temperature. There's a pool with chairs in them that let you lie down while massaging jets shoot at your back. The resting room is wonderfully large, dark and usually empty, and stocks fruit, nuts and mint tea. And something must be said about the amenities: free individually packaged Schick razors and shaving cream are much appreciated. ★★★★★

Treat Me! Anyway, I promise you it was still a few minutes before the treatment time, but as I was exiting the steam room, the therapist found me, with an air of franticness, and ushered me into the treatment room. I mean actual speed walking. Then speed disrobing. Ugh. It was a sign of what was to come. I've had a great aromatherapy massage here, but this time it sucked. You know how the therapist is supposed to be reeeally quiet, and every transition of movement and placement is supposed to have a kind of gradualness to it? Hands are to be on the body at all times so as to be less alarming for the customer when they move to a different spot. This wasn't how it was at all. Her hands were just haphazardly flopping here and there while she moved. She was making a lot of noise walking around, clearing her throat, pumping the oil from a bottle. Seriously, it was the opposite of peaceful. The massage itself was terrible. It felt amateurish. Every time she finished a section, the last few presses felt kind of rushed like she was getting it over with. It ended with the Mandarin Oriental signature bell ring (which felt totally pointless in this case), where they chime this bell that kind of reverberates like crazy and is oddly soothing. ★☆☆☆☆

By the time I left, around 10PM, after lounging here and there, drinking all their tea, eating an apple and playing with the scented showers, the spa was much emptied out. I should have complained about the treatment but felt like there weren't really obvious things to articulate, so I let it pass. I'm just going to check that I don't get this therapist next time. I must say that I've had much better experiences here, but on weekdays. I still highly recommend this spa during off-peak times.